A newly married couple get their first taste of financial hardship when, one day, the husband comes home, and announces he’s redundant. Being a proud man and believing that he should always support his wife, his pride is somewhat hurt. His wife, however, assures him that he still loves him, and that things will get better.Unfortunately they do not, and when the wife suggests that perhaps she should try to find a job, the husband humbly agrees. But things are not well in jobland, and soon the wife realizes that the only option left to her is to go on the game.She assures her husband that it is merely a job, and will not affect their relationship. Soon after placing some ads in the local phone boxes, the wife receives her first prospective client. The husband agrees to wait upstairs whilst the client comes round and conducts his business with the wife in the couple’s lounge.The visitor is eager to know how much it costs for ‘the full works’, and in her nervousness the wife has completely forgotten to discuss prices with her husband. She dashes upstairs and asks him.‘Twenty quid,’ he replies. The visitor appears disappointed at this news, claiming he has only got £7. So he asks what he could get for that.The wife dashes upstairs again. ‘He’s only got £7, what should we do?’ she asks.‘Tell him he can have a hand job for that, but no more,’ replies the desperate husband.The client seems delighted at what the wife has to tell him when she returns, and drops his pants to reveal a huge long cock that is the best-looking specimen the wife has ever seen. Instantly, she runs upstairs to her husband yet again.‘What’s the matter now?’ he asks.The wife replies, ‘Can you lend me £13?’

Tommy ran home from school, as he couldn’t wait to break his good news. ‘Mum, Mum!’ he yelled. ‘I had sex with my geography teacher today!Dad, Dad! Guess what, I had sex with my geography teacher.’‘I’m proud of you, son,’ the father replied, to the mother’s disbelief.‘I think now you’re old enough to ride your brother’s bike.’Tommy’s face dropped in disappointment.‘I can’t. My arse hurts.’

After suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief, Trevor is referred to a headache specialist by his family GP.‘The trouble is,’ Trevor tells the specialist, ‘I get this blinding pain, like a knife across my scalp and …’ He is interrupted by the doctor, ‘And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?’‘Yes! Exactly! How did you know?’ ‘Well, I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: every day I would give my wife oral sex.’‘Is that all it takes?’ says Trevor, intrigued.‘Oh no,’ says the doctor. ‘When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.’Two weeks go by and Trevor returns, grinning. ‘Doc, I’m a new man! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough.’ ‘That’s fine,’ says the doctor. ‘I was glad to pass on a personal cure.’‘By the way,’ says Trevor, standing up to leave. ‘You have a lovely home.’

Alf and Mabel have been married for 60 years, and they live in a home for the old and infirm. One day Alf comes into their room and announces, ‘Mabel, I know we’ve been together for 60 years, and we’ve been through a lot of hard times together, but I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’m leaving you.’‘Why?’ gasps the shocked old lady.‘I’m going out with Vera next door,’ he replies.‘Vera? What does she do for you that I don’t?’‘She gives me oral sex,’ admits Alf.‘But … but Alfred, I give you oral sex too,’ exclaims Mabel.‘Maybe,’ says Alf, ‘but you don’t have Parkinson’s Disease.’

An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.‘No problem sir,’ says the young girl behind the desk. ‘That’ll be a pound per word.’Nodding slowly, the old man writes ‘Doris is dead’ on a piece of paper, and forlornly passes it back to the girl.‘Is that all you want to put in it?’ asks the girl.The pensioner looks at her with sad eyes. ‘I’m afraid I only have three pounds, my dear,’ he says, and begins to shuffle out of the door.The girl, feeling sorry for the old man, says she will go up and speak to the editor. ‘Wait – I’ll see if we can work something out.’Moments later, she returns from the office, grinning broadly. ‘Good news,’ she says. ‘The editor says you can have another three pounds worth of words.’ Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for moment. Shakily, he then writes: ‘Doris Is Dead. Metro For Sale’.

Becky was on her deathbed with husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. His warm tears splashed upon her face and woke her from her near death slumber. ‘My darling Jake, ‘she whispered. ‘Hush my love,’ he said. But she was insistent. ‘I need to confess something to you.’ ‘There’s nothing to confess, don’t worry yourself.’ Jake said tenderly. ‘No, no – I must die in peace. I have been unfaithful to you with your father, your brother and your best friend,’ she croaked pathetically. ‘Hush now, Becky – don’t torment yourself, I know all about it,’ he said. ‘Why do you think I poisoned you?’

Declan the humble crab and Katie the lobster princess were madly and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Katie scuttled over to Declan in tears.‘We can’t see each other anymore,’ she sobbed.‘Why?’ gasped Declan.‘Daddy says that crabs are too common,’ she wailed. ‘He says that no daughter of his will marry a creature that walks sideways.’Declan was shattered, and walked away to drink himself in to oblivion.That night, the great lobster ball was taking place. The lobster princess refused to join in the merriment. Suddenly the doors opened and Declan the crab strode in. The dancing stopped, and all eyes were on Declan as he made his way over to Katie’s father. All could see that he was walking forwards. Step by step he made his way over to the throne and looked the King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.Finally, the crab spoke. ‘Fuck, I’m pissed.’

Hoping to start breeding pigs, a farmer goes out and buys some of the finest sows he can find. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. He calls a vet, who informs him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what the vet means by this, but undeterred, he asks how he will know when his new purchases have become pregnant. He explains that his pigs will stop standing there and lay down and start rolling around in the mud.Giving it some thought, the dumb farmer concludes that artificial insemination must require him impregnating his livestock himself – so he loads them into the truck and drives them out into the woods to have sex with them all.The next morning, the farmer looks out of the window only to see his pigs standing around in the field. Desperately, he takes them out to the woods again and bangs them all twice for good measure before retiring to bed.The next morning, he wakes up to find the pigs still standing around in the field. ‘One more try,’ he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls straight asleep.The next morning, he cannot even raise himself to look at the pigs, so he asks his wife to look out and see if they’re lying in the mud. ‘No’, she says. ‘They’re all in the back of the truck and one of them’s honking the horn.’

Little 10-year-old Freddie goes for a long weekend with his uncle, a wealthy Hampshire farm owner. One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out, ‘Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!’Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside, and explains that a certain amount of decorum is required. ‘You should have said, “The bull is surprising the cow” – not some filth picked up in the playground,’ he says.A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his aunt and uncle are entertaining. ‘Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!’The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, ‘Thank you, Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not cows. A bull cannot “surprise” more than one cow at a time, you know …’ ‘Yes, he can!’ replies his obstinate nephew. ‘He’s fucking the horse!’

Two buckets of sick are out for a walk when one of them starts crying. ‘What’s the matter?’ asks the other bucket.‘I was brought up down that alley,’ replies the second bucket.