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Three little words

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:19:13 +0000

An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.‘No problem sir,’ says the young girl behind the desk. ‘That’ll be a pound per word.’Nodding slowly, the old man writes ‘Doris is dead’ on a piece of paper, and forlornly passes it back to the girl.‘Is that all you want to put in it?’ asks the girl.The pensioner looks at her with sad eyes. ‘I’m afraid I only have three pounds, my dear,’ he says, and begins to shuffle out of the door.The girl, feeling sorry for the old man, says she will go up and speak to the editor. ‘Wait – I’ll see if we can work something out.’Moments later, she returns from the office, grinning broadly. ‘Good news,’ she says. ‘The editor says you can have another three pounds worth of words.’ Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for moment. Shakily, he then writes: ‘Doris Is Dead. Metro For Sale’.

Lucky dog

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:18:17 +0000

Three guys are comparing their drunkenness from the night before. The first guy says, ‘I was so drunk I don’t even know how I got home … I just woke up in my bed in a pool of sweat.’ ‘Oh yeah?’ brags the second guy. ‘I was so wasted I took home a strange woman and was having sex with her when my wife walked in.’ ‘That’s nothing,’ says the third guy. ‘I was so pissed I was blowing chunks all night.’ ‘Big deal,’ scoff the other two. The third guy says, ‘I don’t think you understand – Chunks is the name of my dog.’

Strength in numbers

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:18:15 +0000

Hacking his way through dense jungle, an explorer comes across a pygmy standing over a dead elephant. ‘Did you kill this?’ asked the explorer. ‘Yes,’ replied the tiny man. ‘That’s amazing! I’ve never seen such a thing. What did you use?’ ‘A club,’ shrugged the pygmy. ‘It must have been a bloody big club!’ ‘Indeed it was,’ said the pygmy. ‘There must have been about 300 of us.’

Playing through

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:18:09 +0000

Some friends were playing a round of golf when they heard shouts in the distance. Looking across, they watched amazed as a buxom lady ran onto the fairway, pulled off some of her clothes and sprinted off up the course. Not two minutes later, two men in white coats appeared and asked which way the woman had gone. They pointed up the course and the two men ran off in that direction.Bemused, the golfers carried on with their game, but were again disturbed by another man. This time he was staggering over the hill, panting with the effort of carrying two buckets of sand. Between wheezes, the newcomer too asked which way the woman had gone, then tottered away. Increasingly baffled, the golf party ran after the figure. ‘What the hell is going on?’ they asked.Gasping, the man explained: ‘The lady has escaped from our treatment clinic. She has acute nymphomania, and as soon as she gets all her clothes off, the nearest man is ravished.’ ‘But why do you need two buckets of sand?’ shouted the golfers after him.‘Well, I caught her the last time she escaped,’ panted the man. ‘This time, I needed a handicap.’

Sick joke

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:17:25 +0000

Two buckets of sick are out for a walk when one of them starts crying. ‘What’s the matter?’ asks the other bucket.‘I was brought up down that alley,’ replies the second bucket.

Hog heaven

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:17:02 +0000

Hoping to start breeding pigs, a farmer goes out and buys some of the finest sows he can find. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant. He calls a vet, who informs him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what the vet means by this, but undeterred, he asks how he will know when his new purchases have become pregnant. He explains that his pigs will stop standing there and lay down and start rolling around in the mud.Giving it some thought, the dumb farmer concludes that artificial insemination must require him impregnating his livestock himself – so he loads them into the truck and drives them out into the woods to have sex with them all.The next morning, the farmer looks out of the window only to see his pigs standing around in the field. Desperately, he takes them out to the woods again and bangs them all twice for good measure before retiring to bed.The next morning, he wakes up to find the pigs still standing around in the field. ‘One more try,’ he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls straight asleep.The next morning, he cannot even raise himself to look at the pigs, so he asks his wife to look out and see if they’re lying in the mud. ‘No’, she says. ‘They’re all in the back of the truck and one of them’s honking the horn.’

Bullets cost money, you know

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:16:21 +0000

A man goes in to a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points it at the window and says, ‘This baby is good, you can see right into my house on the hill over there.’The man looks through the sights and starts laughing.‘What’s so funny?’ asks the assistant. ‘Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house,’ replies the customer. Snatching the scope back, the assistant looks through the sight – and sure enough, there is his wife being chased by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says that he will give the man the telescopic sight for free if he can take the man’s dick off with one bullet and kill his wife with another.The man agrees and arranges himself behind the gun and looks through the sight. ‘You know what?’ he says. ‘I think I can do this with one bullet.’

Bus stop

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:16:11 +0000

One day, a well-endowed, attractive young lady is sitting on the bus, when a good-looking fellow gets on and sits opposite her. Attracted to him, she starts smiling flirtatiously. Yet it is to no avail. The man ignores her. Surprised and frustrated, the young woman unbuttons her blouse further to reveal her bounteous cleavage and hitches her skirt up to show her stocking-tops. However, there is still no reaction.Frustrated beyond belief, she tries a last-ditch attempt to capture his attention: she whips off her knickers, jumps onto his seat and straddles his face. Showing the first signs of emotion, the man smiles and shouts out,‘I may be blind, but I know that smell anywhere – it’s Grimsby, my stop!’

The power of photography

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:15:14 +0000

While enjoying a drink with his mate one night, Trevor decides to try his luck with an attractive lady sitting by the bar. She lets him join her for a drink and to his surprise asks him to accompany him home. They spend the night hard at it. Finally they finish; Trevor rolls off, pulls out a cigarette and looks for his lighter. He asks his new love if she has a light. ‘There might be some matches in the top drawer,’ she replies. Opening the drawer he finds some matches on top of a framed photo of another man. Naturally he begins to worry.‘Is this your husband?’ he enquires nervously. ‘No, silly,‘ she replies. ‘Your boyfriend then?’ ‘No,’ she replies, snuggling up to him. ‘Who is he, then?’ ‘That’s me, before the operation.’

The power of suggestion

admin — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:15:03 +0000

A blonde walks in to her local clinic and asks to see the doctor. When she’s admitted, the doctor is a little perturbed to see she’s wearing headphones and asks her to remove them.‘I’m afraid I can’t or I’ll die,’ she replies. ‘Don’t be so ridiculous,’ the doctor says, reaching across to snatch them out of her ears. Immediately the woman turns red and falls on the floor.In the name of science the doctor puts the headphones in his ears.‘Breath in, breath out …’ says a soothing voice.