Pete rings his boss at work and says, ‘Look, I’m really sorry, but I can’t come to work today. I’m sick.’‘Sick!’ screams his boss. ‘Sick! This is the tenth time this month, Pete. Exactly how sick are you?’‘Well,’ replies Pete. ‘I’m in bed with my 12-year-old sister.’

Hacking his way through dense jungle, an explorer comes across a pygmy standing over a dead elephant. ‘Did you kill this?’ asked the explorer. ‘Yes,’ replied the tiny man. ‘That’s amazing! I’ve never seen such a thing. What did you use?’ ‘A club,’ shrugged the pygmy. ‘It must have been a bloody big club!’ ‘Indeed it was,’ said the pygmy. ‘There must have been about 300 of us.’

Father Morrissey wakes up one beautiful morning and decides to bunk off church and play golf instead. He convinces another vicar of his illness and gets him to deliver the sermon, then goes off to the course, praying he won’t meet anyone from his congregation. On the first tee, he sees that he has the whole course to himself. Result!Meanwhile, up in Heaven, Saint Peter turns to God and says: ‘You’re not going to let a man of the cloth get away with this?’ God looks down at Father Morrissey just as he tees off. The ball flies 420 yards, bounces once, then rolls straight into the hole. ‘And why on earth did you let him get a hole in one?’The Lord smiles. ‘Who is he ever going to tell?’ he says.

A man goes to his doctor and admits that he has a sexual problem.‘I just can’t get it up for my wife any more,’ he says.‘Don’t worry, Mr Williams,’ says the doctor. ‘Bring your wife in and I’ll see what I can do.’The couple come in the next day and the doctor asks the wife to remove her clothes. Then he asks her to turn around and jump up and down. He turns to the man.‘You’re fine,’ he says. ‘She didn’t give me an erection either.’

Sir Cliff Richard is performing in Japan on the last leg of a successful world tour. The audience go wild as Cliff asks them if there is anything he can sing especially for them. ‘Tits and fanny!’ scream the audience. ‘I can’t sing that,’ says Cliff. ‘I’m a devout Christian.’ ‘Tits and fanny!’ scream the crowd. ‘Oh, come on,’ says Cliff. ‘Tits and fanny!’ scream the crowd. ‘Okay, okay,’ says Cliff. ‘But I don’t know how it goes.’ ‘Tits and fanny …’ sing the crowd in unison. ‘ … how we don’t talk anymore.’

Some friends were playing a round of golf when they heard shouts in the distance. Looking across, they watched amazed as a buxom lady ran onto the fairway, pulled off some of her clothes and sprinted off up the course. Not two minutes later, two men in white coats appeared and asked which way the woman had gone. They pointed up the course and the two men ran off in that direction.Bemused, the golfers carried on with their game, but were again disturbed by another man. This time he was staggering over the hill, panting with the effort of carrying two buckets of sand. Between wheezes, the newcomer too asked which way the woman had gone, then tottered away. Increasingly baffled, the golf party ran after the figure. ‘What the hell is going on?’ they asked.Gasping, the man explained: ‘The lady has escaped from our treatment clinic. She has acute nymphomania, and as soon as she gets all her clothes off, the nearest man is ravished.’ ‘But why do you need two buckets of sand?’ shouted the golfers after him.‘Well, I caught her the last time she escaped,’ panted the man. ‘This time, I needed a handicap.’

Why did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance to speak.

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a nearby fence, forces it into the dog’s collar and twists it, breaking the dog’s neck.All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, ‘Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal.’The boy interrupts: ‘But I’m not a City fan.’The reporter starts again: ‘Manchester United fan rescues friend from horrific attack.’The boy interrupts again: ‘I’m not a United fan either.’‘Who do you support, then?’‘Liverpool,’ replies the boy.So the reporter starts again: ‘Scouse bastard kills family pet.’

An elderly gentleman shuffles into a newspaper office and asks if he can place a piece in the obituaries section.‘No problem sir,’ says the young girl behind the desk. ‘That’ll be a pound per word.’Nodding slowly, the old man writes ‘Doris is dead’ on a piece of paper, and forlornly passes it back to the girl.‘Is that all you want to put in it?’ asks the girl.The pensioner looks at her with sad eyes. ‘I’m afraid I only have three pounds, my dear,’ he says, and begins to shuffle out of the door.The girl, feeling sorry for the old man, says she will go up and speak to the editor. ‘Wait – I’ll see if we can work something out.’Moments later, she returns from the office, grinning broadly. ‘Good news,’ she says. ‘The editor says you can have another three pounds worth of words.’ Smiling gratefully, the old man takes another piece of paper and thinks for moment. Shakily, he then writes: ‘Doris Is Dead. Metro For Sale’.

Tommy ran home from school, as he couldn’t wait to break his good news. ‘Mum, Mum!’ he yelled. ‘I had sex with my geography teacher today!Dad, Dad! Guess what, I had sex with my geography teacher.’‘I’m proud of you, son,’ the father replied, to the mother’s disbelief.‘I think now you’re old enough to ride your brother’s bike.’Tommy’s face dropped in disappointment.‘I can’t. My arse hurts.’